I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I can tuck mytits in my pants
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
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I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
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I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
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