Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
