party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
