Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Little spoons don't ask big questions
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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