what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
