i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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