For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
