Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
