if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
