my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
