So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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