3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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