Swine flu is the new snow day.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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