I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
