You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
