Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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