i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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