Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
