the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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