I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
