mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
