I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Small penises have feelings too.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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