I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
