At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
