not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
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