I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
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