I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
