i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
