there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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