Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
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Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
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He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it