How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
