the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Thank you for not boning my boss.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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