Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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