he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
