the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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