her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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