I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
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