Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
