im six kinds of drunk right now
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
