Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
