Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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