i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Randomize
