Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
