like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Randomize
