my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
