i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
