my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
