when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
