I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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