If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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