I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
