I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
