stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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