what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
