if i can run in heels then i can drive
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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