Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
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