I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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