I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
