I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
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I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
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The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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